Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
