she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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