i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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