I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
