Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
