it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
