you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
a search helicopter?!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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