just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
