Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
