textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
