Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
