hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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