These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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