we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
