Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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