There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
