I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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