WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize