i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
