So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
