Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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