My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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