I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
