apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
