I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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