Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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