he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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