Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize