It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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