So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
