I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
