It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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