Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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