I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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