i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think my fart just growled at me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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