My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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