I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
