Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
