Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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