Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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