So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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