I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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