I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
