When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
