So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
