I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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