I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
