Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
