So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
barbara walters just said penis...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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