last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
