just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
