My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We had sex on a dog bed..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The struggles of a small town man whore
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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