Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
