At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
