We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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