I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
