Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
