I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
