Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
