There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
