yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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