I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
bring money and cleavage
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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